888Business relationships can trigger thoughts and feelings that can easily lead to a serious breakdown in “mutual understanding.”
The exchange that follows, shows one dimension of a Youand approach in action within a business setting. It happened a few days ago between my business partner and me.
We had just completed our second 8 week Youand Lab and thus both of us are conversant with the Youand I-Statement Model, which places one's focus on those things that are within one's own power to control and not, the blame, criticism or any complaint about, “the other.”
Of course this is a dynamic and fluid process, with each cycle revealing but one layer to one's awareness. After this exchange we had an equally frank conversation in which we came to even more clarity through honest self-responsible communication.
The process is ongoing; moving toward a resolution that satisfies both parties.
Enjoy,
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Youand Model I-Statement.
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PERCEPTION:
When I perceive that I am at risk of falling short of my personal and business financial responsibilities, due to my lack of generating adequate revenue from my business activity . . .
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EXPERIENCE:
I think of ways to generate income. My thinking is influenced by my past experience as an independent business person for all but 2 years of my adult life. (Even then I took a job to help support the shortfall of revenue from my primary independent business activities.) I think of all the ways that I can make more money. With extensive experience and success in a variety of areas, and with my Ph.D. there is an abundance of ways I imagine I can increase my income, to both meet my financial responsibilities and to help our business grow. But, I also know that my present business activity has a catch; I am committed to a partnership in business with my lifelong friend. And I worry how my outside of “our business” activities might impact my friend and partner adversely.
This concerns me greatly. I think of how much effort my partner and I put into our business. I think of the financial stakes for my business partner. I feel gratitude for his support and great efforts.
I think about the great strain that relocation from California has put on all areas of my life. I also think about the joys of these new challenges as well. And, also the joys of working with my life long friend and business partner.
I think optimistic thoughts about our future.
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FEELINGS:
I feel confident that we will be fine in the long run. I also feel confident that I will be able to solve this conundrum.
I also feel great great concern; fearing that the lack of cash flow will impact me and our business in a very adverse way. And I am very frustrated that I can not go outside of our business to generate income to help solve, what I trust is a short term issue.
I worry that I am selling myself short with this limitation. I worry that the opportunity to venture outside of our primary business might even help the business, in many ways, even besides the money issues.
I feel confused, and helpless about what to do. I do not like feeling restricted from using everything that is at my disposal to take care of my responsibilities.
I feel anxiety and dis-ease.
I don't like the feeling that anyone else should be responsible for what are my affairs. And at the same time, I feel restriction.
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VALUES AND NEEDS
I value my self-sufficiency greatly. I value my independence greatly; I value my loyalty to my business partner greatly. I value my holding up my end of the bargain greatly. I need to know that I am able to handle my own affairs by myself. I need to know that I can move in the world autonomously. I need to honor my sense of loyalty to my friend and business partner. I need to know that I am holding up my end of our bargain.
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REQUEST
I request that I reflect on these things further and find a way to honor all of these needs and values. And, wonder if friend and business partner would be willing to respond with his own Youand I-Statement about this matter.
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MY BUSINESS PARTNER'S REPLY:
Youand Model I-Statement.
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PERCEPTION:
When I perceive my business partner's sense of a loss of autonomy . . .
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EXPERIENCE:
I can only guess how difficult it must be for a person of his independence, skill, education . . . handcuffed.
How brutal it must be to feel helpless.
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FEELINGS
I feel very sad that my friend feels restricted and I feel responsible for it.
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VALUES AND NEEDS
Because, I value my friend/partner's freedom, friendship, loyalty, and peace of mind, above all, I want his happiness.
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REQUEST
I request him to consider the eventual dissolution of our way of doing business in the shortest time phase possible.
This will free him of his restriction and give him autonomy and peace of mind.
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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut
2 Comments:
This looks like an interesting and in-depth process. Will you be putting on any seminars to workshop and demonstrate? I could imagine flying up to the big city for something like this.
David B.
Thank you, David. Yes, “in-depth” is the word. At the moment there are no workshops available to the public. I want to do the adequate amount of research and development to be sure that each of Youand’s components achieves the purpose of enhancing “mutual understanding” between people. There is still one more core element that needs to be integrated into the process, before it will be ready.
It’s wonderful that this exchange can intrigue you David, such that you’d consider making the trip. The exchange is the kind of experience that has given me cause to take some pause, as to how I go about sharing here on the blog.
At first, I must admit, that I wasn’t sure what Youand was, because though I did trust my intuition, and trust my experience teaching others various distinct aspects of Youand, I’d never really put them all together for people to apply to their everyday lives. But, with these labs, I can now see much clearer what this work is and how people apply it to their lives. This exchange shows this, and ‘my’ applying it to matters that are quite meaningful and personal.
In the meantime, two core aspects of Youand are at work in the exchange (and of course a great many skill development process have gone into being able to do this):
1) What we call “the first principle” borrowed from “The Enchiridion” by Epictetus, which posits that by placing our attention on those things that are in our own power and avoiding any fuss about those thing that are outside our power, this leads to happiness.
In the example, a focus is on each of our own, PERCEPTIONs, EXPERIENCEs, and EXPRESIONs; avoiding any blame, criticism or complaint about the other.
2) The Youand model of when something occurs pleasant or unpleasant, that has a significant emotional tone, that one consider one’s own, PERCEPTION of the facts; one’s EXPEIENCE, (thoughts, interpretations, judgments, labels, patterns, learning, personal history, feelings, values, needs and more - all things that influence and are influenced by our PERCEPTION); and our EXPRESSION to ourselves, or to another.
This second core component of Youand derives from the art making principle of SEEING, EXPERIENCEING, and SHARING, which I learned in the performing arts.
David, as usual you always stimulate my imagination and thought. Can’t wait to share this with you directly, and even make the trip your way to do so!
All the best and thanks for the encouragement!
José
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