CHECK-IN: GIVING ADVICE

Giving advice can lead to adverse consequences.

Even though superficial appearances might make it seem otherwise, advise given can often be based on experiences that are inconsistent with the receiver's situation. For example: A man asked for advice about how to deal with a woman who he was very attracted to. He wanted to know where he stood with the woman. Was she really attracted to him or just leading him on? He went to a friend for advice, the friend told him to put his cards on the table, "Let her know how you feel about her. In that way, you'll find out a few things. For one, you'll know if she is the type of person who can handle your honesty. Second, you'll find out how she feels about you."

A few months later the man called his friend to let him know he'd just had a restraining order issued against him. The reason? The "woman" was under age. The man did just as his friend had advised. The problem? He'd not told his friend the "woman" was 17 years old.

Big trouble.

That's an ugly example. Yet, just the kind of thing that happens with well meaning advice. People just don't tell us the whole story (sometimes they can't even see it themselves) and therefore our advise is inadequate at best, harmful at worst.

What if we listened to our friends thoughts and feelings, and found out what they truly wanted from the situation (which may have really been to deal with his attraction to an inappropriately younger person) and allow them to tell us every detail of the situation, and in doing so, they might come up with a better solution themselves. For example, in the above situation, over enough time of withholding advise but instead gathering information about the situation, the "woman's'" age might have emerged, if not, at least the person's sense of anxiety about not divulging it might have become unbearable. In any event, "put your cards on the table" would not have led to a restraining order and legal action that can ruin a person's life, and worse, the damage done to a minor.

But then, is this advice?

I hope not, but just a reflection on something that happened around here, not too long ago.

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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut