CHECK-IN: "You" as in "I" . . .

Sometimes the "You" in Youand is one's self. . . upon reflection, if we will, on our own experience of a current situation. What do I think, feel, about this given circumstance? What are my judgments; interpretations; associations from past similar situations, the patterns of thought, feeling, and action that influence how I perceive what is going on now? What values, needs, even fears influence the way I experience my perceptions? Recognizing that just because I "think" it, "feel" it, "need" it, doesn't make it "the truth." But, only my experience of something.

I spoke with a relative today, who was quite upset that someone reacted badly to them. My relative outlined in great detail how wrong the other was for attacking my relative verbally. I could not help but wonder, if my relative could consider that "the other" may have felt attacked as well by my relative, and thus was acting out of a sense of retaliation, or defensiveness. The irony is that each party in this example are very close and love each other very much. But now, they are no longer on speaking terms. I wondered what would happen if each could take the time to reflect on their own experience, of their perception, of "the other?"

I consider how often or seldom this happens.

I experience a great deal of curiosity and enthusiasm for learning and sharing much more about all of this.

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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut

CHECK-IN: "IT TAKES TWO, TO TANGO." cont.

. . . and learn - to endure.


"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut

CHECK-IN: "IT TAKES TWO, TO TANGO."

Sometimes, no matter how much I try to establish mutal understanding with another person, they are unwilling to communicate. If, "the first step toward mutual understanding is the validation of the other," then, I need to respect their choice until they are ready, willing or able to communicate in a mutually satisfying way. An unwillingness to communicate is - a communication. I would be wise to respect and validate their disinterst to communicate with me.


"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut

CHECK-IN: GIVING ADVICE

Giving advice can lead to adverse consequences.

Even though superficial appearances might make it seem otherwise, advise given can often be based on experiences that are inconsistent with the receiver's situation. For example: A man asked for advice about how to deal with a woman who he was very attracted to. He wanted to know where he stood with the woman. Was she really attracted to him or just leading him on? He went to a friend for advice, the friend told him to put his cards on the table, "Let her know how you feel about her. In that way, you'll find out a few things. For one, you'll know if she is the type of person who can handle your honesty. Second, you'll find out how she feels about you."

A few months later the man called his friend to let him know he'd just had a restraining order issued against him. The reason? The "woman" was under age. The man did just as his friend had advised. The problem? He'd not told his friend the "woman" was 17 years old.

Big trouble.

That's an ugly example. Yet, just the kind of thing that happens with well meaning advice. People just don't tell us the whole story (sometimes they can't even see it themselves) and therefore our advise is inadequate at best, harmful at worst.

What if we listened to our friends thoughts and feelings, and found out what they truly wanted from the situation (which may have really been to deal with his attraction to an inappropriately younger person) and allow them to tell us every detail of the situation, and in doing so, they might come up with a better solution themselves. For example, in the above situation, over enough time of withholding advise but instead gathering information about the situation, the "woman's'" age might have emerged, if not, at least the person's sense of anxiety about not divulging it might have become unbearable. In any event, "put your cards on the table" would not have led to a restraining order and legal action that can ruin a person's life, and worse, the damage done to a minor.

But then, is this advice?

I hope not, but just a reflection on something that happened around here, not too long ago.

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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut

CHECK-IN: WALKING THE TALK, FOLLOW-UP

After a series of exchanges like this (the one below) with my business partner, we both came to the understanding that each of our freedoms to pursue opportunities that are independent of our business partnership is important to each of us. How we both hold great value for true freedom, autonomy. We came to the agreement that we will continue our partnership; while at the same time, making sure to conscientiously avoid hurting each other’s personal and our mutual business interests, as we pursue independent business activities.

While before I felt trapped, now I feel a great deal more of a desire to work together with my business partner. Interesting, how a sense of obligation can erode one’s appreciation of “the other.”

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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut

CHECK-IN: WALKING THE TALK

Business relationships can trigger thoughts and feelings that can easily lead to a serious breakdown in “mutual understanding.” The exchange that follows, shows one dimension of a Youand approach in action within a business setting. It happened a few days ago between my business partner and me.

We had just completed our second 8 week Youand Lab and thus both of us are conversant with the Youand I-Statement Model, which places one's focus on those things that are within one's own power to control and not, the blame, criticism or any complaint about, “the other.”

Of course this is a dynamic and fluid process, with each cycle revealing but one layer to one's awareness. After this exchange we had an equally frank conversation in which we came to even more clarity through honest self-responsible communication.

The process is ongoing; moving toward a resolution that satisfies both parties.

Enjoy,

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Youand Model I-Statement.

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PERCEPTION:

When I perceive that I am at risk of falling short of my personal and business financial responsibilities, due to my lack of generating adequate revenue from my business activity . . .

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EXPERIENCE:

I think of ways to generate income. My thinking is influenced by my past experience as an independent business person for all but 2 years of my adult life. (Even then I took a job to help support the shortfall of revenue from my primary independent business activities.) I think of all the ways that I can make more money. With extensive experience and success in a variety of areas, and with my Ph.D. there is an abundance of ways I imagine I can increase my income, to both meet my financial responsibilities and to help our business grow. But, I also know that my present business activity has a catch; I am committed to a partnership in business with my lifelong friend. And I worry how my outside of “our business” activities might impact my friend and partner adversely.

This concerns me greatly. I think of how much effort my partner and I put into our business. I think of the financial stakes for my business partner. I feel gratitude for his support and great efforts.

I think about the great strain that relocation from California has put on all areas of my life. I also think about the joys of these new challenges as well. And, also the joys of working with my life long friend and business partner.

I think optimistic thoughts about our future.

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FEELINGS:

I feel confident that we will be fine in the long run. I also feel confident that I will be able to solve this conundrum.

I also feel great great concern; fearing that the lack of cash flow will impact me and our business in a very adverse way. And I am very frustrated that I can not go outside of our business to generate income to help solve, what I trust is a short term issue.

I worry that I am selling myself short with this limitation. I worry that the opportunity to venture outside of our primary business might even help the business, in many ways, even besides the money issues.

I feel confused, and helpless about what to do. I do not like feeling restricted from using everything that is at my disposal to take care of my responsibilities.

I feel anxiety and dis-ease.

I don't like the feeling that anyone else should be responsible for what are my affairs. And at the same time, I feel restriction.

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VALUES AND NEEDS

I value my self-sufficiency greatly. I value my independence greatly; I value my loyalty to my business partner greatly. I value my holding up my end of the bargain greatly. I need to know that I am able to handle my own affairs by myself. I need to know that I can move in the world autonomously. I need to honor my sense of loyalty to my friend and business partner. I need to know that I am holding up my end of our bargain.

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REQUEST

I request that I reflect on these things further and find a way to honor all of these needs and values. And, wonder if friend and business partner would be willing to respond with his own Youand I-Statement about this matter.

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MY BUSINESS PARTNER'S REPLY:

Youand Model I-Statement.

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PERCEPTION:

When I perceive my business partner's sense of a loss of autonomy . . .

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EXPERIENCE:

I can only guess how difficult it must be for a person of his independence, skill, education . . . handcuffed.

How brutal it must be to feel helpless.

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FEELINGS

I feel very sad that my friend feels restricted and I feel responsible for it.

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VALUES AND NEEDS

Because, I value my friend/partner's freedom, friendship, loyalty, and peace of mind, above all, I want his happiness.

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REQUEST

I request him to consider the eventual dissolution of our way of doing business in the shortest time phase possible.

This will free him of his restriction and give him autonomy and peace of mind.

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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut

CHECK-IN: TRUSTING THE WORK

An experience:

My studies with Sanford Meisner, for the craft of acting, has had a profound effect on my life; more so even, than it had provided me with a solid foundation for earning a living as a professional actor, when I was a young man.

I remember how once, a few years after completing my studies with him, at his home on Sutton Place, in Manhattan, sitting with him; he asked me how my career was going. I told him that I’d been very fortunate in that I seemed to be working all of the time.

Ever the pragmatist, Mr. Meisner began to calculate how many years it had been since I’d finished my studies at The Neighborhood Playhouse. And then, responded something to the effect that, my earnings were at least on par with that of what a college education would have produced.

We smiled.

But, my real point with this story is what came next. I said to him, “Mr. Meisner . . . All I’ve been doing is, ‘trusting the work.’ I’ve just applied myself to doing the work that you taught me. And they seem to hire me.” I said this to him trying to communicate a few things at the same time: my gratitude for his teaching, and, how amazed I was that by simply trusting his teachings which are based on a ‘sense of truth’ that many, many prominent doors seemed to open for me.

I was amazed. He looked at me like, “What did you expect?”

Why do I share this here? Because, as I continue down the "pathless path" of creating this Youand work, to share skill development for and my sensibilities about the great value I see for placing great emphasis on “mutual understanding" between people today, I want to declare, here, that I hope to unfold Youand by means of trusting the work.

And the Youand work begins with listening to people.

And today, I'm listening to my self, and sharing that expreince.

Sincerely,
José Angel Santana, Ph.D.

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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut

CHECK-IN

Greetings,

The time between postings has been filled with a great many inner workings, not least of which, those brought on by the need to slow down due to numerous battles with flu, colds and general overload. All the while, the Youand Labs have been ongoing and much has been learned by all involved about the nature of the Youand work.

The learning from these labs, too, has given me pause. I have needed to re-evaluate the form and content of this blog. And rather than explain it all, the changes will make themselves evident in their unfolding.

In a nutshell, the work has come into much clearer focus and the benefit to those involved has been immense. Such that, it has put a somewhat greater burden on me the creator of Youand to proceed with even more authenticity than I had previously anticipated. What I mean is that my intention has always been to create a blog that truly “is” a Youand experience, and these first few posting have been attempts at communicating the work. But, in truth, I am dissatisfied with this approach. And so, from now on things will be different.

We will all just have to see what happens in this quest to raise awareness about the great value that I see in “mutual understanding” between people; and the development of skills to enhance our capacity to create “mutual understanding” between ourselves and others.

Sincerely,
José Angel Santana, Ph.D.

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"The final frontier may be human relationships, one person to another." -- Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut